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Det kom ett brev

Jag fick ett mycket intressant mail via Facebook idag. En herre från Ghana sitter på en hög pengar som en Peter Olsson har lämnat efter sig, och eftersom det efternamnet är extremt ovanligt så måste vi ju vara släkt. Det luktar Nigeriabrev om det hela, men det här är ju från Ghana, så det är nog sant.

Så här skriver Benjamin T. Dabrah:

Hello Johnny Olsson,

I am mr . Benjamin T. Dabrah a citizen of Ghana . I have the information to the existence of an abandoned big sum of money in my department belonging to a late customers Mr. peter Olsson who happen to have the same surname as yours .The fund is now without any claim because Mr. peter died in a deadly earthquake in China .

The transaction will be of great mutual benefit to us . Simply send me your reply of interest so that I will give you the details .

Please strictly reply me through your email address and through my private address : benjamindc64@gmail.com or email me your own email address then I will explain in details what my proposal is all about.

Best regards,

mr. Benjamin T. Debrah.

Så jag bestämde mig för att skriva ett svar:

Dear mr Dabrah,

This is fantastic news. You’ve just lifted a huge rock from my shoulders, and I want to get in touch with you to make some arrangements.

Funny goatphoto © 2010 Tambako The Jaguar | more info (via: Wylio)

You see, in the 1970’s, Peter Olsson attacked and raped my mother. He was caught and brought to justice, where he was given the choice either to compensate my grandfather with a goat or marry his victim, making her an honourable woman. That was the Swedish law at the time. Being a serial rapist, Peter Olsson was flat out of goats and had no other choice than marrying my mother. This marriage resulted in my birth – I was conceived on their honeymoon in Säffle. Sadly, my mother died in labour. Peter Olsson – my father – left me on the doorstep to an orphanage, cashed my mothers life insurance and vanished.

My entire adult life I’ve been trying to track down my father, but without luck. So you can probably imagine what a relief it is to hear that he has died to death in a deadly earthquake. I hope he suffered.

Now here’s the thing. A couple of years ago, when I was in therapy (the orphanage was run by catholic nuns, need I say more?), it was suggested to me that I’d write down my story. So I did and it turned out I had a talent for writing. My story was published and it became a best seller. Soon it was translated to thirty languages, and I have just signed a deal with Paramount for the movie rights. So you can keep the money. In fact, If you can bring me some evidence of my fathers death, or if you can take me to where he is buried so I can dance on his grave, you will be generously rewarded.

Hope to here from you soon, and God bless you for bringing me these wonderful news! May Peter Olsson burn in hell!

Best regards
Johnny Olsson

Undrar hur mr Benjamin T. Dabrah gillar de äpplena.


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Legislation for dummies (the Swedish model)

In January of this year, I showed that it is possible to ban something without actually banning it. This is often called ”the Swedish model”, it is very successful and many want to export this model. The following manifest is a translated and somewhat modified version of my Swedish original, and will show how it is possible to free the United States from country/western music (from here on just referred to as country music) without actually forbidding country music, using the Swedish model. If you have a nation, a blog or a website, and a heart-warming cause, feel free to copy and spread the following method anyway you like. Wanna ban cricket, telemarketing, romantic comedy or stuntmen? It’s all possible, using this revolutionary technique, and some creativity! The sky is the limit!

Country music is a curse. Country music is disgusting and country musicians are nothing but a bunch of failed rock musicians who feel obligated to perform with a country band to raise money for rent. How many country musicians want to be country musicians, really? In the best of worlds, country music shouldn’t exist. Country musicians almost always have a history of broken rock n’ roll dreams. Because of such traumas, they are incapable of knowing their own best. Therefore, we must protect them from themselves, by preventing them from performing their work, and we mustn’t take notice of their objections for like the addict or the oppressed, the country musician will always claim he is comfortable with his profession. It is common that the musician is affected by the Stockholm syndrome, and begins to sympathise with his audience.

It is also common that foreign musicians are lured to America with promises of a better life and a career as a jazz or rock musician. Instead, they are forced to play steel guitar in a country band and take hundreds, possibly thousands, of customers per evening. The pay is terrible, their managers keep most of the money and they are forced to practically live in a tour bus, constantly on their way to the next gig. This wears them out. Late night performing and the horrific music destroys their pitch as well as their sense of taste. Just look at the size of their hats! With this comes addictions. Coffee, nicotine and some turn to Mr Jack Daniels for comfort. Country musicians also spread disease, since they may perform with a cold.

And, of course, the all important gender perspective: All country musicians are male. The audience is female. Any insinuation otherwise does not fit the picture and should therefore be ignored. The country music industry is an expression of the matriarchal oppression, period!

Now I’m no moralist, mind you, but country music is plain wrong. And immoral. Music should be something nice, something beautiful. Something that is done for the passion and love for music, not for the money. But this is not the country musicians fault. They are victims. They are used and only perform country because they lack options. The consumers are the bad guys. The hillbilly ladies with their out of style skirts and bad hair who square dance to Achy breaky heart performed by tonight’s act Joe Bob boys in matching outfits and stereotype over-sized cowboy hats. Should society allow this exploitation of people? Should we accept this imbalance between buyer and seller?

Here’s the beautiful part: we criminalise the country music consumer. Without consumers the market will vanish and the musicians are relieved from their degrading task. Some might argue that the country scene will go underground and that in that case the musicians will be forced to perform at illegal clubs where the risk of getting in trouble is much greater. I couldn’t care less. What really matters is to clean up our bars and barns.

Further, we need to get to the managers who so shamelessly exploit musicians. This can be done by the use of a law against booking, which would simply make it illegal to book a country band. This law could, with some creative interpretation, also be used to split up the country bands by arguing that the members of a country band indirectly are each others managers since their common goal is to get gigs, and voilà; we have forbidden country music without forbidding country music. Clever, huh?

A positive side effect of such legislation is that it would be possible to force a land lord to evict a tenant if it were to be known that he is a country musician, for the apartment is then to be considered a studio where immoral pieces may be written and economical agreements considering the music may be closed.

To succeed, I believe that it is also necessary to stigmatise the country music as much as possible. This is a powerful way to mark society’s deprecation. We must mock and contempt the country musicians. We must make fun of their clothing and make scurrilous portraits. We have to make sure that people understand how filthy the country bands really are, so that they stop yearning for such. Encourage anyone who might go to a barn dance to ask themselves: Would you want your son to become a country musician?

It should be made possible for social services to take custody of the children of country musicians, since that kind of musician can not be considered a suitable parent. The reason is simple: Since country music is bad and the musician still devotes himself to it, he clearly lacks the ability to take care of himself, worse yet a child. This argument could later evolve to another level. Since performing country music is reason enough for the social services to take custody of your children, you are evidently a bad parent if you perform country music, and therefore the children should be taken into custody. This is water proof. If needed, yet another reason for taking custody of the children is that they might become bullied in school as a consequence of the successful stigma we’ve created.

It should, however, be legal to perform for free beer, even though that to, of course, is immoral. That’s how open minded I am. It should also be legal to record and sell country music. It is the interaction between the customer and the exploited musician that needs to be prohibited. I’m not quite sure why, but my gut (and a sack of money from the record labels) tells me that what needs to be criminalised to do live should still be perfectly legal to record and distribute.

Brothel. Image by Caver Chris under CC-license.


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To: Bono Re: Birthday party

Dear Bono.

I’m sorry to say I won’t be able to attend your birthday party on May 10th. (My invititation must have gotten lost in the mail by the way.) You see, there’s this factory here in Södertälje and they need me there the coming weekend.

However, if you’ve got the time, you are welcome to swing by to celebrate my birthday on May 9th instead. Nothing fancy, just me, the Queen, the cats, coffee and cake. I’ll be home around 3pm and you can park your jet in Birkakorset. People here are used to creative parking so they won’t mind.

If you bring a guitar or the Edge we can jam. We haven’t sung together since that evening at Ullevi and that was some success, wasn’t it! The crowd loved it. We should do that more often. I for one miss it.

See you friday then? What do you say?

Sincerely yours
Josh


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